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I've never hit a woman in my life, and abhor those who do, including those who emotionally abuse their partners. In a 2011 article in Salon, Debby Herbenick, a research scientist and sexual health educator at the Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender and Reproduction, was quoted as saying that no study has ever been done that would give a solid figure on how common spanking is.
That's the essence of my shame, deepened by the impossibility of trying to explain it to someone who is not a spanko, someone who isn't wired to understand. A few playful swats during sex seem fun, while serious spankings seem damaged and perverse. I can tell you that just one of the many spanking subgroups on the adult website Fetlife contains more than 17,000 members.
A couple of times I met people, real live girls, who liked to be spanked.
She said: "There are as many women into spanking as there are men, no doubt whatsoever about that."As time went by, I did find comfort in knowing there were others like me, but as I sat on Emily's bed, they all seemed irrelevant because she wasn't a spanko. As with every girl I met, I'd dropped hints, used the word "spanking" to get a reaction. The only question now was whether she'd call me a freak and kick me out.
I spoke for a while, explaining that I didn't understand why, that the why didn't even matter anymore. We married a year later, and our sex life today would shock the neighbors.
Spanking was a massive part of my sexuality, and that was something she needed to know. Once or twice, when we've forgotten to close the bedroom window, I suspect it has.
It's not been plain sailing, though, and this isn't the end of the story because a kink is a powerful beast.